What's Love Got to do With it?

One of the "hang-ups" people have about orphan hosting is that they don't think they can LOVE one of these kids. 
You know- they're here for such a short time... they're a stranger to you... they don't speak the language... they're not "your own" kids... maybe it's not really worth the effort, how much good can it really do?... you're pretty busy over Christmas... and they're damaged goods, right? I mean, if their own parents didn't want them....

New Horizons is a CHRISTIAN orphan hosting program; non-denominational, but CHRISTIAN nonetheless.

As Christians, we grow in our faith and learn how to live it out by reading God's word. We model our lives (or try to, anyway) after Jesus' example. After all, who better to try to emulate than the Son of God?! We use The Bible as our playbook... roadmap... S.O.P... whatever ... to tell us how to live.
Because as cool as Google Maps is... it's just not going to help in matters of spiritual guidance. (Well, unless you need directions to a church...)

So what does the Bible say about love?
A lot-- as you might imagine.

What does love have to do with hosting an orphan?
I'm SO GLAD you asked!!

Jesus tells us in John 13:34-35- "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so must you love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

As Christians we are CALLED to love. We are called to love as Jesus loved. Better yet, when we love others we will be RECOGNIZED as one of His.

We also know from Romans 5:5 that: And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit,who has been given to us.

And 1 John 4:7: Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. 

As Christians, we have been given the CAPABILITY to love. Not because we're just awesome like that, but because it comes from the Almighty.

In particular, we are to love STRANGERS and THE OPPRESSED. 

Hebrews 13:1-3- Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters.  Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.

Generally, we tend to dole out our love only to those we deem worthy. Our love is available only to "qualified applicants." It's just easier than way. 

But thats not what Jesus did. He loved everyone... including those the rest of the world saw as undesirable.... unworthy.... undeserving.


The truth is, loving STRANGERS will stretch you and shove you way out of your comfort zone-and we don't usually like that. But the thing is, once you start showing love intentionally to someone... they're not really a stranger anymore, are they?

It's human nature to shy away from things that make us uncomfortable.
One of the ways we deal with that discomfort it to overlook or ignore the object of our affliction.

We overlook the orphan crisis in Eastern Europe (and other parts of the world) because it makes us uncomfortable.
We overlook it because it's easier to NOT know.
We don't WANT to see it or know about it.
Because what does that say about us if we KNOW--- and yet do nothing?

Don't overlook these children because it makes you uncomfortable.

We are to remember the oppressed as if we were being mistreated and suffering right along side them. There aren't many people who willingly go for the whole for suffering and mistreatment bit, I know.

BUT WAIT!
Jesus did. 
He suffered horribly and was grossly mistreated and died an agonizing death- for you... for me... and for them.
We are all the unworthy.
We are all the undeserving.


Don't overlook that either.

What's LOVE got to do with it?

EVERYTHING.



“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves


**Full disclosure here...
We're going through a series on Hebrews at church. Last Sunday, our pastor used these verses as the basis for his sermon. Thank you Pastor Dan for the inspiration!

Chance of a lifetime....

Hosting sign-ups are up and running.

If you haven't been following my blog or caught my facebook posts over the last 18 months, "hosting" refers to ORPHAN HOSTING.

Specifically, hosting through this organization: New Horizons for Children.

What is orphan hosting?
Simply put, you are inviting an orphaned child into your home, to stay with you for 4 weeks over Christmas.
But ohhhhh-- it's SO much more than that.
And thats where the chance of a lifetime comes in....

By "hosting"... you have a chance to absolutely change someone's life.
A child.... God's child.... Arturs has been told in words and actions all his life that he's not important to anyone.
A child.... God's child.... Nastya and her brother have been abandoned because her mom's new boyfriend doesn't want to deal with kids.
A child.... God's child.... Denis is years behind in school and can barely read because no one encourages him to do his best or makes sure he's doing his homework.
A child.... God's child.... Markus was removed from his home because the one who was supposed to love him and take care of him was a drunk... and couldn't do either.
A child.... God's child.... Tetyana, at age 16, will be kicked out of the only home she remembers to find her own way in an unfriendly world. No job skills, no life skills, no money, and nowhere to go.
A child.... God's child.... Sergiy's dad is AWOL and his mom is in prison. And even though there is family nearby.... no one would take him in.
A child.... God's child.... Inga, who had to grow up WAY too fast.
A child.... God's child.... Natalia's mom HAD to give her up because she couldn't find a job.
A child.... God's child.... Katya was removed from a foster home because the family being paid to take care of her was abusing her.
A child.... God's child.... Igor was found wandering the streets-  no one can find his parents, no one will claim him.
A child.... God's child.... Anya's parents died and there was no other family to take her in.
A child.... God's child.... Alexandrs has a medical condition (easily treatable in the US). But he's small for his age; and at night, the older boys beat him- because he's different, because he can't defend himself... and no one steps in to help.
A child.... God's child.... Artem has been in the orphanage for half his life- he doesn't know why he's there. But his mom visits occasionally and brings his little sister, who is still living at home.

There are literally millions of children living in orphanages around the world and they each have a different story. Different countries, different backgrounds, different experiences.

All of them His children.

Hosting can ABSOLUTELY change a child's life. They will experience (many for the 1st time):

Love

Hearing the Story of Christmas

Encouragement

New Language Skills

Humor

Warm Clothes

Board Games

Manners

A Candlelight Christmas Eve Service

Laughter

Sharing Jesus

Bedtime Kisses

New Experiences

Family Traditions

Enough to Eat

Making Christmas Cookies

Prayers

Decorating the tree

Affection

Parties

Learning Responsibility

Words of Praise

Getting Tucked in at Night

Hugs

Smiles

Positive Reinforcement

Family

Hope

Yes, hosting can absolutely change a child's life.

But it will change yours as well.

*If hosting isn't for you, but you have the financial ability to give, please consider a tax deductible donation for a partial scholarship. MANY families want to host, but they don't have the funds to do so. 
YOU could provide that chance of a lifetime.

You can make a general donation via Paypal, here.

Or you can choose which child receives your scholarship. 
1st, sign up for the photolisting, here. (You're not signing your life away, we just need to keep track of who's looking at the photos)
You'll receive an email with the link and password.
Check out each child... read the bios... hear their stories... and choose the child who's life you're going to change.

You may use the PayPal link above, or you can send a check directly to:

New Horizons for Children
3905 Cobb Pkwy., Ste 708
Acworth, GA 30101

Wrapping up....

I've sat down to write this post several times in the last few days- and I just don't know where to start.

I wanted to read back over my posts from our time with D&D.
As opposed to our previous hostings, there weren't very many.... so it didn't take long.

It was such a difficult 5 weeks- I wanted to make sure I hadn't exaggerated or embellished things.
Now that things are back to "normal" (or our version of it), and I've caught up on my sleep, I wanted to re-read my posts with a more unemotional mindset to make sure my words had been true.
Did I need to clarify anything?
Did something need redacted?
Was I unfair... misleading... too blunt?
Was I too focused on the struggles and stress... were there more good/positive moments I could have talked about?

No.

Other than a couple of typos (and the post I deleted), I wouldn't change anything.
In fact, I think I understated and glossed over much of what was going on in this house.

D&D left 2 weeks ago.
And to be completely honest... I don't miss them-- AT ALL.

It's harsh-- I know, and I feel bad that I don't miss them. But it is the truth.

Or maybe I should rephrase it and instead say
"I don't miss what their presence here did to our family dynamics."
 Is that nicer?  A little softer, maybe?

I don't miss the tension and the stress. I don't miss the hurtful things my children had to deal with. I don't miss the lack of sleep.  I don't miss the arguing, the yelling, the swearing, the disrespect, the property damage, and the stealing. I don't miss the tantrums, the sneaking around, the pouting, she whining, the begging, or the mood swings. I don't miss walking on egg shells in an attempt to just keep the peace for 5 minutes.  I don't miss the sleepwalking or the sleep talking/yelling. I don't miss the many days my own children asked to leave for the ENTIRE day- just so they didn't have to deal with what was going on in this house. I don't miss the daily bathroom scrubbings (though with boys in the house I still have to clean that particular room more often than I should LOL). I don't miss my tears, my bewilderment, or my frustration. (Not that frustration is completely out of the picture.... I DO have kids, you know.) I don't miss the strain it put on my relationship with Rick or with my kids.

Do I regret the situation and living arrangements to which D&D had to return?
ABSOLUTELY! I am deeply saddened by the things I learned about other family members, and I'm convinced that some of what we experienced with Da was a result of decisions those family members made and the impact they've had on his life.

We are DEFINITELY NOT the right family for them. But I believe the *right* family IS out there.

I also think many of the "bad" behaviors we dealt with were a result of Da not being the youngest in the house. After several conversations with the chaperone, we discovered he seemed to think that being the youngest meant special privileges... more attention... coddling... catering... not having to follow the rules-- things I think he must be accustomed to getting in LAT. Things he didn't get here- not to the exclusion of others, anyway... and I don't think he liked it.

But honestly, I think "the youngest" thing... wasn't a need he knew he had until he wasn't "the youngest" anymore.
And I think we've all been in a place like that- where you didn't know you had a strong preference or need for something to be a particular way until it wasn't that way anymore.
As adults, we can deal with it.
As a child and with the type of background Da has... he didn't have the maturity or appropriate coping skills to handle it, so he dealt with it the only way he knew how... he acted out.

Will we host again?
Probably not as long as I'm a coordinator for New Horizons.

I really feel like I let "my" host families down.
At the end of the day (and at the beginning and the middle)... I was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. Stick a fork in me-- I was DONE.

I didn't have anything left to give "my" host families.
I was only peripherally aware of what was going on in their hosting experiences.
I don't feel like I was able to do my job. I don't feel like I was able to support them when they needed it.
And I don't like that.

So.
What good came out of this?

For one, I hope my time this summer will help in future hostings. Maybe as soon as December, one of "my" families will call needing advice on how to handle a difficult child. Maybe a host mom will call because she needs an empathetic ear. Advice and empathy I can now provide because of first hand experience.

For sure, my time this summer will change some of what I talk about in the host parent trainings for which I am responsible.

I've learned that I REALLY need to learn more, read more about children who come from hard places. I need to learn about physical/emotional/mental issues that can stem from being abandoned.... institutionalized.... left to grow up on your own.  New Horizons has several books on their list of recommended reading materials... and I've read all those. But it might help if, in light of this summer's hosting, I went back and read them again with "new eyes".

What good came out of it for D&D?

They experienced unconditional love. They experienced forgiveness and they extended it as well. They were exposed to TobyMac, Mandisa, LeCrae and other Christian musicians. (No Snoop Dog, Akon, Britney Spears or Eminem in this house!) They learned some English, threw straw bales, picked tomatoes, picked blackberries and went swimming. They had plenty to eat. They read the Russian children's Bible clear through at least twice. They went to a couple of birthday parties, and the zoo, the spray park, and fed "exotic" animals. Da learned to ride a bike. They had shaving cream fights, ate a million popsicles and learned the meaning of the word "no". They learned about budgeting and spending limits. They went to church. They learned about family life and what a functional family looks like. They watched "The Jesus Film" and were exposed to the gospel. They said bedtime prayers with us as a family, and also took turns praying at meals. They learned about our culture and customs and manners. They got to see and do things most of their contemporaries will NEVER get the chance to experience.

Did their trip to the US impact them on an emotional level?
I hope so.
Did their trip to the US impact them on a spiritual level?
Did they see and feel the love of Christ?
Did- in spite of all the frustrations- the hope we have in Him shine through?

I have to believe it did.

Because after all is said and done... isn't that the point?


For anyone reading my blog that hasn't hosted... you need to know that our experience this last summer is very rare. As with our previous hostings, most families come away with wonderful memories and feel that overall, it was a fantastic experience!

The interview team does it's very best to "weed out" the kids who will not do well on a trip of this magnitude. They talk to the orphanage directors and the care givers, and interview the kids and interact with them in a group setting. They pray over all the children who have been interviewed and seek God's guidance as they choose who will be offered for hosting.

We want hosting to be a positive experience for EVERYONE involved.

Are there bumps in the road? Sure!
Are there kids who once in a great while slip through the cracks... kids that come on the trip who maybe shouldn't? Absolutely! We're human... things happen.
Are there kids who don't get along with their original host family, but when moved to a back-up family.... things are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT?!  Yep!
Had D&D been hosted by a different family... a family with different dynamics... a family with a different make-up.... things could have been completely different. BELIEVE IT!

DO NOT let our experience this summer keep you from considering hosting. Because what we had this summer was SO not the norm!

When I'm ready to step down as a coordinator, I'm sure we'll host again.
I believe in this program and the good it can do.... the positive impact it can have on the lives of both the host kids and their host families.

Over and Out... for now.

I had a friend message me on Facebook with a few concerns about my last post.
(I've removed it, so if you didn't read it- you missed your chance.)

And while I don't agree with everything she said, there was enough truth to her words that I've removed my previous post.

I did not deliberately intend to be verbally uncaring toward my host kids, but I did post in and frustration and exhaustion and complete stress.  Tension headaches have become my daily companion. I was venting-- and for that I apologize.

Many of you thought the post was actually funny- and sent several emails saying so.
But my friend was correct in reminding me that if D&D's orphanage director/social worker/care giver somehow got a hold of that post, some of the comments- though made tongue in cheek-- would not have translated well.
Also, if someone who DIDN'T know me read it, they might not understand it either.

So, to err on the side of caution, I have removed the post.

I am not to the point yet where I can be joyful in this situation.
I know I should be, but I an not; and I am continually asking the Lord to change my focus and give me a new perspective.

At this moment, it is obvious I can not be AT ALL objective when it comes to this hosting, so for now, I am signing off.

Only after this house has de-stressed and put back to rights, and I get several full nights of sleep and I've given some extensive, tension free quality time to my husband and my children, will I be back. Maybe.

Thank you for reading, and praying along with me... especially to those who have been here since the beginning.

Weekend activities

We had a busy weekend, followed by a busy Monday.

On Saturday, we spent the day at the Cleveland Zoo with a few other host families in the area. Our group was large enough that we had to split up to keep things manageable, and I was sorry I didn't get to visit much with the host families in the "other" group; but I think everyone had a good time.
It was cooler than what it had been-- and I know we were ALL grateful for that.

Cleveland Zoo group, minus a few

I think Da&Di enjoyed the zoo, but they didn't last long- and that surprised me. After a couple of hours, they were complaining and ready to go home. We stopped at DQ on the way home-- that plus a nap on the way home perked them up a bit... which was good, because we had a birthday party to go to for Rick's nephew.... where they got more ice cream. :-)
They didn't care for the birthday cake, but man can they put away some home made ice cream!!

We had a couple of issues with Da at the zoo- both of them pretty big issues.
For the one incident, he had to sit with me and didn't get to continue playing on the playground. (He was NOT a happy camper!)
For the other... it's complicated. Regardless, he wasn't happy with the results of that one either.

We continued to have problems at the birthday party and we left early as a result.
A couple of the other parents at the party (who had interacted with our previous host kids and know a bit about the program) wanted to know how we kept from "smacking" him?

We can't.

It's a stipulation we agreed to as part of the New Horizons hosting program. And we will abide by it.

No matter where you stand on the corporal punishment debate- whether you agree with it or not, whether you "swatted" your down kids or not... we are not allowed to physically discipline our host kids.

There are a couple of reasons for this. One being that so many of these host kids have physical abuse as a big part of their past--- and physical discipline... no matter how small or how well deserved... has the potential to open a HUGE can of worms and bring up other issues and most host parents aren't trained to deal with.

So, no physical discipline.

Sunday we went to an antique tractor/car show where Joe and Kyle participated in a kiddie tractor pull. Joe placed 1st in his age group (again, LOL) and earned a spot in the "Grand National" pull in Columbus in January. Kyle was about 6" short of a 3rd place trophy.

It was a good experience for Da&Di. 

Not because they were SOOO interested in the tractors (though Da LOVED the cars), but because they learned something about family life. 

That is, when you're part of a family, sometimes you have to do things and go places you don't really want to.
Sometimes, you do things JUST BECAUSE someone else in the family wants to.
And you learn to do it cheerfully, because the next time it may be YOU wanting to go somewhere or do something that no one else wants to do.

Yesterday, we spent all day at home. Rick's family came over for the day and we "put up" the sweet corn. We freeze it, rather than can it; and though we did less than usual, it was still a long day.
The chaperone, Inga, was out yesterday as well, along with her "host mom".
I'm pretty sure she's the only chaperone in the history of NH that spent a good portion of the day elbow deep in corn husks and silks.
I hope she enjoyed herself. Not that "corn day" is a FUN day... but the experience was a new one for her.

It's supposed to be hot today... over 100. We were talking about going to the sprinkler park, but with that kind of heat, it's going to be PACKED. I think maybe we'll go see a movie instead.

Movie theater popcorn and everything!

And now, for a few photos...

His FAVORITE car.

Joe and his 1st place trophy.

Diana, helping with the corn.

Daniels' version of helping.

Everyone working on the corn.

Chaperone, Inga, took a ride in the tractor.

Marty and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

The title says it all.

I spoke in my last post about some small improvements. I don't want to trample all over those-- because D has improved in some areas.
But HOLY COW, yesterday was HORRIBLE!!!

I woke them both up at 11:20. I don't usually let them sleep that late, but we didn't have any plans yesterday morning so I figured it would be a treat.
By noon, I could tell that it was going to be a challenging day.

And it just went downhill from there.

I'm not talking a graceful, gently decline. I mean it was like the Demon Drop at Cedar Point.
By 12:45, it had plummeted... collapsed... crashed... taken a nose-dive... plunged... caved in... imploded... fallen hard and fast....
And as the sun worked it's way across the sky.... it just kept getting worse... and worse... and worse.

I think I called the chaperone 3... or was it 4 times?  All in the span of just a few hours.

Da finally apologized- right before it was time to go to bed. But only because he wanted all his stuff back that he'd thrown in our bedroom in a fit of anger.

The chaperone came over today to speak to both of them face to face... hoping it would be more effective than just a phone call. She was here for about 4 hours, and luckily (or not) she did see some of the behavior I'd called her about the day before-- though not NEARLY to the degree of yesterday's episodes.
Bless her heart, she tried to speak to Da several times over the course of the 4 hours, and he just wasn't having it. He'd listen for a little bit-- and then argue-- and then walk off. She would approach him again.. he'd argue.. and then walk off.

He also lost swimming privileges today for a couple of shenanigans he pulled in direct rebellion to very clear instructions I had given regarding fireworks/poppers/noise makers in the house. I was glad it happened while the chaperone was here.

There's been a lot of effort put forth by many on my behalf to figure out how to help Da adjust not only to life in the US, but life in a family... and also suggestions on how to "cope" when he's...well... doing what he does. So far, none of the suggestions put forth have worked but I haven't tried all of them yet, and for those that I HAVE tried that didn't work,  I'm willing to try again.

I hope the time with the chaperone helped today. Only time will tell.
He started sleepwalking again last night. So my one night reprieve was very short lived.
I am, however, thankful for that one night. It's the 1st full night's sleep I've had in 2 weeks.

Dare I say it..... "improvement??"

It's been a few days since my last post and things are.... well... maybe a little better??

Honestly, it's hard to say if things are actually improving or if I'm just developing an immunity to the behaviors.  Either way, it's a relief.

I'm still not going to detail the struggles we've had... not yet anyway. To my average reader (do I HAVE readers???) it won't make a difference.
I don't want it to seem like I'm dangling the proverbial carrot, because that's not my intent.
It's just that the details and specifics, I'm afraid, will make you feel sorry for me... and I don't want that.
Sure, a little commiseration is nice.
But when it's all said and done the focus really needs to be on D&D.
(That, and I don't want to scare off any potential host families.) :-)

Yes, things have been H A R D.
HARD
HARD
HARD

But hosting isn't supposed to be easy.
Sure, some are easier than others; but overall, most families struggle to some degree.
And that degree of struggle varies between families. Some may have 1 small pouting incident during the whole 5 weeks and thats it. Others will be dealing with temper tantrums and attitudes for the duration.
There are a couple of families who have REALLY had a hard time- infinitely more difficult than what we've been dealing with. And though they're not out of the woods yet, progress is being made.

It's vital to remember that these children come from hard places- not just geographically, but physically, emotionally and mentally as well.
Because of that, many host parents have to develop a new set of parenting skills- and that can be difficult.
(More than just the tweaks you make between child#1 and child #2- but a whole new set of skills.)

So in many ways, this is as much a learning experience for me as it is for D&D.... but I'm doing it in my home... surrounded by familiar things... where I can communicate my struggles and frustrations... where I understand the rules (and the need for them)... where I know the routine... where I know (usually) whats expected of me... and where I know I will always find love, forgiveness and acceptance.

Please pray that we can start to fill the emotional void in D&D's lives.
Please pray what we have the stamina to do it while not loosing sight of our own children's needs.
Please pray that Rick and I stay fully connected for the duration of hosting. It's easy to let things "slide" on the home front when you're focusing so much on other things.
Please pray for the other host families- especially those who are still struggling with serious behavior issues in their host children.
Please pray for the staff and volunteers of New Horizons. This, I'm told, has been one of the more drama filled and labor intensive hosting sessions in memory.
Please pray for "V" the child who was on vacation with his host family who had to have an emergency appendectomy.
Please pray for the families who are already seriously considering adoption, and for those who remain undecided.
Please pray for the families who are facing serious dental expenses for their host children. Pray that a dentist steps forward who is willing to donate their time.
Please pray for the chaperones who are here with the children. Pray that their experience here is a positive one and that they can return home with nothing but good things to say about NHFC and the hosting program. Pray that they can work effectively with the host families and children that are still struggling.
Please pray that in all things, in all situations, through all the frustrations, that  the host families are able to show the children the love of Christ, the and love of family.
Pray for those families who have received permission from their host child's government to seek further medical testing/treatment. Pray that doctors and other professionals will be moved to donate their time and skills to treat/diagnose these children who have no hope of receiving help in their own country.
Pray for potential host families- how are even now considering our winter program.
Pray for the host kids- that they be receptive to the gospel and curious about the children's bibles that have been purchased for them. For those that speak English- that conversations can be had about grace- and forgiveness- and love- and the sacrifice that Jesus made FOR THEM.
Pray that minds will be opened, hearts will be touched and lives will be changed.