Tonight The Heartache's On Me

I'm having a very hard time organizing my thoughts.
I'm having a very hard time controlling my emotions.

You see.... Mareks flew home yesterday.

I'm having a very hard time not wondering and worrying.
I'm having a very hard time NOT weeping at random and frequent intervals.
I'm having a very hard time NOT checking facebook every 5 minutes looking for a new picture or status update regarding the Latvian kids.

You see.... Mareks isn't here today.

I had NO IDEA how hard this was going to be.

No, I'm not a 1st time hoster. I've had some experience with this.
After all, I said good-bye to Vladik just 6 short months ago. That too was an emotional experience- but not like this. These emotions are ENTIRELY different. I cried when Vladik left... plagued with guilt becasue we weren't adopting, sadness at his situation, horrified at what he was returning to, and yes- as horrible as it is to admit- even a little relief that hosting was over. I cried... but I was fine an hour into my drive home.

But this... this is different.

I was the "airport coordinator" for the Latvian Akron/Canton airport arrivals/departures. Which basically just means I took a lot of pictures, answered a few questions, helped (as best as I could) with getting the kids checked in for their return flight... and stood around looking like I knew what I was doing.
(Fake it till you make it, right?!)
It also means I got a gate pass so I could so through security with the kids to see them off.
All the other host families had to say "good-bye" or "see you soon" (in the case of those pursuing adoption) before their host kids went through security.

It was heart wrenching! The bond between these former strangers... kids, moms, dads, brothers, sisters- it was a beautiful thing to witness.
There was LOVE there.
Not the flowers and rainbows kind of love.
REAL LOVE.

I felt like the Grinch stealing Christmas, telling everyone it was time to say their goodbyes... especially since *I* had a gate pass.

We made it through security and got to our gate fairly quickly. The kids all started digging through their backpacks, finding surprises from their host families, and pulling out photo albums to share. They were excited to be reunited with friends, and excited (I'm sure) to be able to speak their native language and have someone understand them. Too, to some extent, they were excited to be going home-- back to familiar surroundings, familiar routines, familiar schedules, familiar foods, etc.

We didn't have long to wait before it was time to board, but in the hubbub of getting everyone cleared for boarding (there was a problem with one of the boarding passes that was eventually worked out)... I didn't even get to give Mareks a hug goodbye.
He was halfway down the ramp... turned... and waved... and then he was gone.

And that's when I lost it.

I'd warned him ahead of time that I'd most likely be crying like a baby, but I managed to hold it together- until then.
I'm crying again now as I type. It makes it hard to see the keyboard and I need a tissue, but the tears just keep coming.

I left the airport shortly after their plane took off... and I cried all the way home.
Rick and the boys went to church without me. (I got up at 2:45 that morning so we could be at the airport at the scheduled time.)
I tried to take a nap while the house was quiet.
No dice.
I was tired, but I couldn't sleep.

I stayed busy the rest of the day doing things that would keep my brain occupied; book work for the farm, balancing checkbooks... anything that would keep me from dwelling on the fact that I may never see Mareks again.

Yeah, it didn't work.

I went to bed last night-- SO TIRED. And did I go right to sleep?
Nope. I laid there...
and I cried.

My heart has shattered into a million Mareks-shaped pieces.
Corny, I know. But it's the truth.
I miss him terribly.

But you know what the kicker it? It's entirely possible that our affection for Mareks is completely one sided. I have NO IDEA how he feels about us. He's 16... and a boy. I supposed that's normal.

As an aside- the 1st leg of their trip was from CAK to La Guardia. They had to take a shuttle from LGA to JFK and meet up with ALL the other Latvian host kids. Then together, they'd all fly to Riga. Their flight was schedule to leave JFK at 1:30pm. Due to an unknown issue/difficulty/mess up... their flight was delayed-- FOR 9 HOURS!! They finally left JFK at 10:30pm (yesterday) and arrived in Riga about 1:30 pm--TODAY.

Today I'm starting, in earnest, to investigate the possibility of Mareks staying with us for a year while he attends school here in Ashland.
To be honest, it doesn't look promising.
Normally, when a (high school) exchange student comes to the US, they do so through a sponsoring  organization. This sponsoring organization is responsible for taking care of a lot of the paperwork and communicating with the government as to the whereabouts and status of the exchange students they're sponsoring. But Mareks wouldn't be coming over through a regular "exchange student program." WE would be sponsoring him, paying all the fees, living expenses, tuition, flight etc. Long story short-- because we're attempting to do this in the not so traditional way, the high school needs a government certification they don't have. They need to be "SEVIS approved," and they're not.

If my math is right, it costs over $2000 to get SEVIS approval, and I don't see the school willing to pay for it. But honestly, it's more than the money. Someone at the school has to be willing to take on the role of DSO (Designated School Officer).


Each school approved by USCIS (United States Citizenship & Immigration Service) to educate foreign students must have at least one Designated School Official (DSO) who is responsible for the school’s compliance with the USCIS rules regarding foreign students and foreign applicants. The DSO creates and updates an electronic record for each foreign student in SEVIS (The Student & Exchange Visitor Information System). The DSO is involved in enrollment, change of major, change of school, practical training, visa extension, visa reinstatement, school completion, and school withdrawal processes concerning the foreign student. The DSO issues and signs all necessary SEVIS forms including form I-20. Every foreign student interacts with the DSO either directly or through the Admissions of Foreign Students office staff.


I don't think it used to be this complicated, but things changed after 9/11.


Anyway, I'll be making phone calls over the next couple of days to see if it's even feasible.
If, by some miracle, my information is wrong and Ashland High School IS SEVIS approved (or if they indicate  they're willing to pursue certification,) the next step is to see if a year of school here will count as year of in Latvia. Not so surprisingly, they're isn't always reciprocity between The US and other countries.
Assuming it WILL count in Latvia, then we'd have to see if Mareks is even interested in coming back for a year of school.
And he may not be.
And I'll have to be ok with that.


If the school isn't interested in pursuing the necessary certification, then whether or not Mareks WANTS to come is irrelevant.
I'll have to be ok with that too.


Please pray for God's hand in this. 
Just because *I* want him to come back, doesn't mean that's the path he's meant to walk.


I'll post more when I know more.