Wrapping up....

I've sat down to write this post several times in the last few days- and I just don't know where to start.

I wanted to read back over my posts from our time with D&D.
As opposed to our previous hostings, there weren't very many.... so it didn't take long.

It was such a difficult 5 weeks- I wanted to make sure I hadn't exaggerated or embellished things.
Now that things are back to "normal" (or our version of it), and I've caught up on my sleep, I wanted to re-read my posts with a more unemotional mindset to make sure my words had been true.
Did I need to clarify anything?
Did something need redacted?
Was I unfair... misleading... too blunt?
Was I too focused on the struggles and stress... were there more good/positive moments I could have talked about?

No.

Other than a couple of typos (and the post I deleted), I wouldn't change anything.
In fact, I think I understated and glossed over much of what was going on in this house.

D&D left 2 weeks ago.
And to be completely honest... I don't miss them-- AT ALL.

It's harsh-- I know, and I feel bad that I don't miss them. But it is the truth.

Or maybe I should rephrase it and instead say
"I don't miss what their presence here did to our family dynamics."
 Is that nicer?  A little softer, maybe?

I don't miss the tension and the stress. I don't miss the hurtful things my children had to deal with. I don't miss the lack of sleep.  I don't miss the arguing, the yelling, the swearing, the disrespect, the property damage, and the stealing. I don't miss the tantrums, the sneaking around, the pouting, she whining, the begging, or the mood swings. I don't miss walking on egg shells in an attempt to just keep the peace for 5 minutes.  I don't miss the sleepwalking or the sleep talking/yelling. I don't miss the many days my own children asked to leave for the ENTIRE day- just so they didn't have to deal with what was going on in this house. I don't miss the daily bathroom scrubbings (though with boys in the house I still have to clean that particular room more often than I should LOL). I don't miss my tears, my bewilderment, or my frustration. (Not that frustration is completely out of the picture.... I DO have kids, you know.) I don't miss the strain it put on my relationship with Rick or with my kids.

Do I regret the situation and living arrangements to which D&D had to return?
ABSOLUTELY! I am deeply saddened by the things I learned about other family members, and I'm convinced that some of what we experienced with Da was a result of decisions those family members made and the impact they've had on his life.

We are DEFINITELY NOT the right family for them. But I believe the *right* family IS out there.

I also think many of the "bad" behaviors we dealt with were a result of Da not being the youngest in the house. After several conversations with the chaperone, we discovered he seemed to think that being the youngest meant special privileges... more attention... coddling... catering... not having to follow the rules-- things I think he must be accustomed to getting in LAT. Things he didn't get here- not to the exclusion of others, anyway... and I don't think he liked it.

But honestly, I think "the youngest" thing... wasn't a need he knew he had until he wasn't "the youngest" anymore.
And I think we've all been in a place like that- where you didn't know you had a strong preference or need for something to be a particular way until it wasn't that way anymore.
As adults, we can deal with it.
As a child and with the type of background Da has... he didn't have the maturity or appropriate coping skills to handle it, so he dealt with it the only way he knew how... he acted out.

Will we host again?
Probably not as long as I'm a coordinator for New Horizons.

I really feel like I let "my" host families down.
At the end of the day (and at the beginning and the middle)... I was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. Stick a fork in me-- I was DONE.

I didn't have anything left to give "my" host families.
I was only peripherally aware of what was going on in their hosting experiences.
I don't feel like I was able to do my job. I don't feel like I was able to support them when they needed it.
And I don't like that.

So.
What good came out of this?

For one, I hope my time this summer will help in future hostings. Maybe as soon as December, one of "my" families will call needing advice on how to handle a difficult child. Maybe a host mom will call because she needs an empathetic ear. Advice and empathy I can now provide because of first hand experience.

For sure, my time this summer will change some of what I talk about in the host parent trainings for which I am responsible.

I've learned that I REALLY need to learn more, read more about children who come from hard places. I need to learn about physical/emotional/mental issues that can stem from being abandoned.... institutionalized.... left to grow up on your own.  New Horizons has several books on their list of recommended reading materials... and I've read all those. But it might help if, in light of this summer's hosting, I went back and read them again with "new eyes".

What good came out of it for D&D?

They experienced unconditional love. They experienced forgiveness and they extended it as well. They were exposed to TobyMac, Mandisa, LeCrae and other Christian musicians. (No Snoop Dog, Akon, Britney Spears or Eminem in this house!) They learned some English, threw straw bales, picked tomatoes, picked blackberries and went swimming. They had plenty to eat. They read the Russian children's Bible clear through at least twice. They went to a couple of birthday parties, and the zoo, the spray park, and fed "exotic" animals. Da learned to ride a bike. They had shaving cream fights, ate a million popsicles and learned the meaning of the word "no". They learned about budgeting and spending limits. They went to church. They learned about family life and what a functional family looks like. They watched "The Jesus Film" and were exposed to the gospel. They said bedtime prayers with us as a family, and also took turns praying at meals. They learned about our culture and customs and manners. They got to see and do things most of their contemporaries will NEVER get the chance to experience.

Did their trip to the US impact them on an emotional level?
I hope so.
Did their trip to the US impact them on a spiritual level?
Did they see and feel the love of Christ?
Did- in spite of all the frustrations- the hope we have in Him shine through?

I have to believe it did.

Because after all is said and done... isn't that the point?


For anyone reading my blog that hasn't hosted... you need to know that our experience this last summer is very rare. As with our previous hostings, most families come away with wonderful memories and feel that overall, it was a fantastic experience!

The interview team does it's very best to "weed out" the kids who will not do well on a trip of this magnitude. They talk to the orphanage directors and the care givers, and interview the kids and interact with them in a group setting. They pray over all the children who have been interviewed and seek God's guidance as they choose who will be offered for hosting.

We want hosting to be a positive experience for EVERYONE involved.

Are there bumps in the road? Sure!
Are there kids who once in a great while slip through the cracks... kids that come on the trip who maybe shouldn't? Absolutely! We're human... things happen.
Are there kids who don't get along with their original host family, but when moved to a back-up family.... things are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT?!  Yep!
Had D&D been hosted by a different family... a family with different dynamics... a family with a different make-up.... things could have been completely different. BELIEVE IT!

DO NOT let our experience this summer keep you from considering hosting. Because what we had this summer was SO not the norm!

When I'm ready to step down as a coordinator, I'm sure we'll host again.
I believe in this program and the good it can do.... the positive impact it can have on the lives of both the host kids and their host families.